THAT RAMBLING INCOHERENT SORT OF BLOG POST

I’ve noticed from time to time that bloggers occasionally do posts that are not about just one topic; instead they just sort of ramble on as the mood takes them.  With this in mind, I am doing my own sort of rambling blogpost in order to keep up with new trends.

Today I tried Vitamin Water, which is a new sort of water-based (?) beverage that comes in many different flavors and colors, some of which have certain types of vitamin substances added to them.  The students that I teach all rave over it, but I was loath to pay for something I might not like.  The answer came in the form of a coupon stuck to a 12-pack of Diet Coke, offering a free bottle of Vitamin Water to those who bought a 12-pack of Diet Coke.  My choice was something called XXX Acai-Blueberry-Pomegranate, which offered triple antioxidants.  The resulting drink tasted much like watered-down Kool-Aid and left an unusual if not unpleasant aftertaste.  I think I’ll stick to regular water.

Rolling Stone has done an article on the Top 100 People Who Are Changing America.  My inclination, upon discovering it, was to see this article as a sort of beginning hit list.

And because I can’t think about much else to ramble about (I guess I’m not that self-obsessed), I’ll finish with this personal note.  At one time in my life, I wanted a girlfriend.  Several false starts, misfires and unsatisfying relationships later, I do not care much about having a girlfriend anymore.  But I do know that if I had one, I’d want her to have the balls to wear shoes like this.

There you go.

A FIELD GUIDE TO MONSTERS

So a friend of mine and I took off for Jackson, as we needed to get out of the small town we live in for awhile. We made the rounds of our favorite shopping spots and visited Jason's Deli for a muffuletta, which for the uninitiated is a splendid Italian creation of ham, hard salami, provolone and olive salad dressing that has to be God's original design for the ham and cheese sandwich. (Some of it went home with us. For later.)

On our way out of Jackson we stopped in Ridgeland to visit the newly relocated Barnes & Noble, which has gone from its former nondescript shopping center location on County Line Road to being the crux of a huge, bold, and above all expensive neo-Renaissance Stepfordian complex, which all Sweet Potato Queens are sure to go gaga over, and probably have. But no amount of exquisitely constructed fake architecture can subvert the monster quest for long, and it was in B&N that we discovered A Field Guide To Monsters, written by Dave Elliott, C. J. Henderson and Rick Leider.

Purporting to be an expansion of a pamphlet originally written by Abraham Van Helsing, the Field Guide To Monsters is written and created in the style of a modern field guide, with useful proportional scales and classic photographs of each subject, an intelligence gauge (represented by brains) and full disclosure on all traits, abilities, weaknesses and so forth. Not content to just mention traditional or classic movie monsters (though all the favorites are here in various incarnations), the Guide includes a full complement of modern ones as well, including the Serial Five (Jason, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface and Hannibal Lecter), the Serial Wanna-Bes (Candyman, Pinhead, and Horace "Shocker" Pinker), Buffy's Vampires (Angel, Spike and The Master, who is unfortunately misrepresented by a photo of the Gentlemen from the episode "Hush"), separate entries for "Zombies" and "The Living Dead" (as it should be), the often-excluded entry for Dragons, and for some reason, Shrek. However, no Sweet Potato Queens are mentioned.

There is a lot of snarky humor in the Guide, which most of this book's reviewers on Amazon had a problem with, but I say that if you are in the midst of a pack of roving werewolves who are trying to tear you apart, it does you good to laugh. Also, the book is sturdily assembled, so if worse comes to worse you can smack them with it, which is a technique that also works well with Sweet Potato Queens.

A Field Guide To Monsters is available here at Barnes And Noble in its 2008 edition for the nice price of $7.98. The 2004 edition can be found at Amazon here. Buy a copy now, for the life you save may well be your own.

DISCLAIMER: No Sweet Potato Queens were harmed in the writing of this post.

Yet.

31 DAYS LATER

Today is the last celebration day of Day Of The Dead, or Dia De Los Muertos. This is an annual Mexican holiday in which friends and family gather to celebrate the memories of those who have died, and it usually occurs after Halloween, taking up the first and second days of November. Families will gather at cemeteries with homemade altars that have sweets (usually sugar skulls), marigolds, and favorite foods and beverages of the departed. They believe that during this time, it's easier for the dead to hear the prayers of the living, and hope to encourage visits by the departed, in order that they may hear the prayers and remembrances of their loved ones.

We of European descent celebrate these as well. They are called All Saints Day and All Souls Day, and it's not unusual for some of us to take off work and go to the cemetery with candles and flowers for those we remember. Some even give their children gifts and sweets on this day.

I suppose that for the past few weeks now, I've been doing some of this myself. A friend of mine died recently, and some other friends and I have been cleaning out her house for her brother, who lives in Philadelphia. During that time as we sorted things and cleaned and straightened, we remembered her and talked about things she did and enjoyed. We didn't build an altar or anything, but we remembered our friend.

I look at these things that others do to remember their dead, and I think of all the times we've seen people speak out against Halloween, showing us its pagan origins, telling us it's a demon's holiday, and so on. I can't deny that the season has a shadowed past, but I also can't deny that sometimes we need to have wonder and mystery in our lives. We need a taste, if only a taste, of ghosts and monsters, of horror and death, to remind us that life is fleeting and that it can be done with before we know it, to remind us of what true evil is. Sometimes evil happens not because someone makes a deal with the devil or because someone builds a monster in a castle laboratory, but because people don't remember.

My departed friend sent me cards with a message every year for most major holidays, including Halloween. She also sent me a message in her death, which was to try to remember. Not just the bad things, but the good things too. I hope that in the future, I can do a better job of this. I will try.

In pace requiescat.

For the memory of Barbara Miles. Memento mori.

DIGESTING THE ZEN OF ZOMBIE

A friend of mine watches a late-night news show on Fox News called Redeye, which specialty seems to be extremely weird news and rather juvenile-humored commentary on same. It is hosted by a man named Greg Gutfeld, who is exactly the sort of person you wish someone would throw out of Applebee's so that you can get on with your evening. I do not hold this against my friend, as he is a wonderful person otherwise. And it was through Redeye that I first heard about the book that I'm talking about here; The Zen Of Zombie: Better Living Through The Undead, written by Scott Kenemore.

Yes, I'm serious, and apparently so is he. Kenemore's foray into the self-help/humor arena basically uses the modern zombie as the model for his outlined plan of a better lifestyle. It shows that a true zombie knows what it wants (brains) will forge a clear path to acquire its goal (brains), and by determination and single-mindedness, will eventually achieve its goal (braaaainnns). It lists the 24 habits of highly effective zombies (apparently the living don't work nearly as hard, seeing as we only have seven) and in general, recycles most well-known self-help material for satirical purposes.

Now, my general opinion of self-help books is that if you are buying and reading self-help books, you are most likely in dire need of assistance from a real live person with the credentials to do so. But I am sorely tempted to buy a copy of this, if for no other reason than to annoy the hell out of certain people I know. I'll let you know how it goes, but I am afraid that I'm not eating any brains, as they tend to be one of the fattiest organs in the body. Perhaps someone will write a book called The Vampire's Diet. They always seem to stay thin.

POST-MORTEM: If you're into zombie films this Halloween, you can certainly do better than watching Dawn Of The Dead for the hundredth time. Click here to read a post from a Grrl-friend of mine and learn how.

IGOR: EARLY HALLOWEEN TRICKS--AND TREATS, TOO

After reading a slew of reviews on the new animated film Igor, starring the voices of John Cusack, Steve Buscemi, Sean Hayes, John Cleese, Eddie Izzard, Jay Leno, Jennifer Coolidge and Molly Shannon, I can say this: almost none of them get it.

This is not to say that my review is better than theirs, but they just don't get it. You have to have a certain frame of mind to watch this film, and you can't go in expecting anything. (For instance, the soundtrack contains monster-movie-esque music, the songs of Louis Prima, and "I Can See Clearly Now" as sung by blind orphans. Yes, blind orphans.) I was immediately stoked by this film when I first saw the animated trailer online, and quite frankly, I'm still stoked by it. (I have since learned there will be action figures--yes!!)

Anyway, on to our review. The kingdom of Malaria has been transformed into a barren wasteland by a mysterious and unexplained cloud cover, causing near-constant rain and eternal darkness. Since nothing can grow there, the bullying and overbearing King Malbert (Leno) comes up with a novel solution to keep Malaria's economy afloat: create evil inventions of mass destruction and blackmail the rest of the world into paying Malaria not to unleash them on other countries. (If this scenario sounds at all familiar to you, you are most likely going to vote Democrat and will probably end up not liking this rather un-PC movie anyway, so be quiet.) This instantly creates two classes within Malaria: the Evil Scientists, who are treated like celebrities and live rent-free in huge, luxurious laboratories, and the Igors, whose collective job consists mainly of indentured servitude, taking abuse, and switch-pulling. Get born with a hunch on your back, and guess where you'll end up. Because of these circumstances, no one in Malaria is kindhearted, friendly, or even nice.

One Igor (Cusack) who describes himself as "better-looking than the others" (and he's right), is unfortunately cursed with both creative abilities and common decency. Though Igor dreams of being an Evil Scientist, he is in thrall to the temperamental and incompetent Dr. Glickenstein (Cleese), and must invent in secret, creating existentialist Scamper (Buscemi) a sarcastic, suicidal and unfortunately immortal rabbit, and painfully stupid Brain (Hayes), a clumsy brain-in-a-jar who can't even spell his own name right. When Glickenstein is killed during field tests for the upcoming Evil Science Fair, Igor grabs his chance at fame and notoriety and begins working on an evil Frankenstein monster that will destroy all the other inventions at the Fair and be selected for Malbert's blackmail scam. Unfortunately, something goes awry and the resulting creation is a dainty behemoth-sized sweetheart named Eva (Shannon) who quickly decides her own calling: to be an actress. Igor misleads Eva into participating in the Fair, but his secret gets out and he is courted by Dr. Schauenfreude (Izzard), a stylish blowhard whose multiple winning streak at the Fair is maintained by stealing other scientists' inventions with the help of snobbish girlfiend Jaclyn (Coolidge). As Igor struggles with Schauenfreude's temptations and his growing affection for Eva, he discovers a fiendish plan that could change Malaria forever, and not for the better.

This movie is a witty and raucously skewered take on the Frankenstein tale that is a splendid early taste of Halloween dark chocolate. While reviews have been mixed on the film's level of humor (no one seems to understand the concept of gradually building whimsical comic anarchy anymore; it's possible that the Scary Movie And Others oveure killed this), it manages to be both kid- and adult-friendly in the same way that Rocky And Bullwinkle was, while at the same time raising a few important questions about celebrity, fame, beauty, prejudice, and the nature of good and evil (especially with its underplayed theme of smart good-guy nobodies versus evil maladroit somebodies). Yeah, most reviewers are ragging on the Nightmare Before Christmas-like design, but enough generations of spooky kids have seen that film and others by Tim Burton that he can now be considered an influence, and some of those same kids probably grew up to work on this film. Plus, the film's designers have also seen enough of Metropolis and The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari to properly get their German Expressionism going on, so it's all good.

The voice cast also kicks it live and knocks it out, with standout performances coming from Hayes and Buscemi, who steal the show with their team of Brain and Scamper. Izzard and Coolidge mug and posture their way through, with Coolidge stealing some of Izzard's villainous thunder through her Paris-Hilton-meets-Natasha-Fatale portrayal of Jaclyn. Leno is solid but strangely not particularly memorable as Malbert, and Cleese invokes some of his demons from Fawlty Towers in his briefly seen but totally clueless Glickenstein. And Cusack and Shannon, who may seem on paper to be odd choices for Igor and Eva, maintain a constantly high energy level and own their characters for the whole of the film, making them totally believable.

Screw the reviewers. Screw the fact that there's been almost no press for this film, and screw the grumblings about Burtonesque character design and the film's atypical nature as compared to other CGI animated offerings. Go see this film. See it twice so you can catch all the jokes; it's not a typical kiddie film, but a movie about Evil Scientists and Igors ain't gonna be anyway. And there's gonna be action figures.

PULL THE SWITCH!!!

POST-MORTEM: We've just learned from dreadcentral.com that the action figure line has been canned by the Weinstein Company, who made the film. Guess all the Evil Scientists moved to Hollywood.

IGOR!!!!

Have seen the trailer for the new film Igor, and I'm looking forward with great anticipation to this film, coming from MGM in September. Igor follows the adventures of a talented Mad-Scientist's-assistant (John Cusack) in the kingdom of Malaria, where Mad Scientists are celebrities who create evil weapons and monsters, and Igors are... the hunchbacked guys who pull the switch. In a wild, wacky and very creative inversion on the Frankenstein story, one Igor (who is much more talented than his master) must overcome prejudices and other Mad Scientists to achieve his dream of becoming a Mad Scientist himself. Teaming up with sarcastic lab rabbit Scamper (Steve Buscemi) and the unfortunately stupid brain-in-a-jar Brain (Sean Hayes), Igor eventually gets his chance to create his own monster, Eva (Molly Shannon), who turns out to be exactly not what anyone expected.

Some wags on Youtube (which is where I saw the trailer) were blabbing on about how this seemed to be a monster-themed version of Ratatouille, but for my own part, I think there's much more at work here. It's arriving in theatres on September 19, just in time to open the Halloween season, so I'm throwing in with this cool-looking and inspired-sounding little movie. Further highjinks are sure to ensue, so I'll fill you in as it all becomes available. Check out the trailer for yourself at http://www.igor-movie.com.

Note: We will also be providing information on this film at The Morlock Heights Harbinger and The Powerhouse Files. Check them out.

PORTRAIT OF THE MAD DOCTOR

For the first time anywhere, I present a self-portrait showing full Mad Doctor mode... and despite the grimly fiendish expression, don't worry; I really do like other people. It's just that I can't always eat a whole one...